We recently had a prospective client from NYC ask about how many messages we generally exchange with a woman before we get her to meet in person.
Our male clients don’t want our dating professionals building relationships online. They don’t want us chatting on their behalf. Our clients generally just want for us to exchange the least number of messages possible before setting up a date with the matches that they find most interesting.
When the New Yorker asked this question to Max, a virtual dating assistant here, he responded with an estimate of between 5 and 15 messages but acknowledged that he wasn’t exactly sure. After that call, we decided that we’d actually like to have some real statistics ready for the next person that asks this question.
So, we did a quick analysis of the first 100 dates that we arranged for our male clients. We only looked at the dates where we sent the first message and a pre-date phone call was not required. Basically, we didn’t want the numbers to be influenced by date arrangements where she wrote the first email or the client had to make a phone call to the woman prior to the first date.
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What did our dating consultants learn?
On average, we asked her to meet up after 5.14 total messages. This is the two-way exchange stat so, in more simple terms: this means we asked her out after 2.57 messages. We saw that most often it was on the second or third message we sent. We also learned that the client met her after an average of 9.72 total messages.
The range (min and max no.) of messages that were exchanged before we asked her to meet up is 1-7 total messages. This means the fastest we asked for the date was in the first message and the slowest was in the seventh. But don’t stop reading here and run off to ask out every girl you see on Match.com using a one-message approach.
We wouldn’t recommend asking her out in the first message… unless 1) she shows interest first, 2) she seems like the kind of woman that would be comfortable with moving it offline quickly, and 3) you know how to write a killer message that addresses her most likely objections (and you probably don’t). Of the 100 date arrangements that we analyzed, we only proposed meeting in the first message to five women and all five of them had sent a ‘wink’ or a similar expression of interest.
The range of total messages exchanged before the first date was 6-18, which represents the total number of back and forth messages that were exchanged before all the details were worked out about where and when to meet. We also found that the greatest number of messages we sent to her prior to the first date was 10 messages. In 2 cases (of 100), we sent her 10 messages and she sent us 8 prior to the first date.
What does this all mean for you men out there?
If you are exchanging tons of messages before you try to take online dating offline, you are probably wasting your time. Even though online dating is helpful in quickly filtering through the masses to find some people that may be worth meeting, it is very difficult to know if there will be any chemistry before you meet in person.
One of the top blunders that men make on online dating sites is building an online relationship. They message back and forth too many times, exchanging too much information and killing the mystery. A big part of what makes you attractive online is the mystery. Remember this: mystery creates intrigue and intrigue creates interest. If you start revealing everything about yourself over an endless stream of messages then you risk losing her interest before you ever get the chance to meet her in person.
We clock hundreds of hours per week on online dating sites (translation: we’re really good at this stuff) so it may take you a couple more messages than it takes us to build the rapport you need to get her to agree to meet you. We are just showing you what it takes us to set up a date and explaining why, as a general rule, less messages → more mystery → more intrigue → more interest → more dates. Stay tuned for other tips and data in future posts, like knowing how to ask a girl out online.